I'm just an animal looking for a home

Between my last two entries, i turned 40.

Such is my nature that i was not limited to one type of reaction to this event. There are three essential flavors possible, and i had a little of each. That's my blessing and my curse.

Negativity:

• The feeling of being too old to catch up on what's been missed.
• The sense that not enough time remains to get where one is going.
• The fear that there is no hope to gain a relationship that will be fulfilling, due to being out of the sweet-spot thirties, as well as the disillusion that accompanies having had so many previous relationships end.
• The awareness that my options for change and adventure in life are decreasing.
• The knowledge that none of the physical aspects of life are likely to get any better from here on out.

Positivity:

• The exultation of having survived the longest, stupidest part of life.
• The increased freedom from worrying about the fashionability of my life choices.
• The accumulation of intelligence/wisdom/knowledge/information/memory.
• The refinement of my joys and interests.
• The relative coolness i am able to maintain as my age-peers slide ever further into drab conformity.
  

Neutrality:

• The larger, more encompassing view of the world.
• The relief of recognizing my limitations as a human being in that world.
• The humor and self-interest to let certain things pass in life.
• The transition from cloud-city dreams into more feasibly achievable dreams.
• The vision of the inevitably cyclical nature of all existence.

How does this type of stock-taking affect the escape plan? I'm not entirely sure it does, other than to increase the self-knowledge of He Who Is Doing The Escaping. The reasons i need to get out are the same as before, and the same as they ever were.

If i could stop dreaming about the right places to be -- places that aren't real -- i'd be better off when it comes to making real decisions.